What a Steal!

Courtesy the Artswipe Collection

How is it that you can spend a year waiting for something to happen in the World News Headlines and then - BAM! - it happens right at the end of the year. No, I'm not talking about the assassination of Benazir Bhutto. That kind of thing happens to world leaders all the time, so excuse me if I can't commit to that news item. The news story that caught my undivided attention in the last 24 hours and which has become a contender for most compelling true crime story of the year (if not the most nail-biting event of the post 9/11 age) is the tale of the Brisbane couple who got busted with $40,000 worth of stolen library booty in their home. Over 1000 library books, DVDs, CDs and magazines were hidden in cereal boxes in their home. "Pass the milk sweetie, these Bryce Courtenay bran flakes are a little dry and plotless."

Apparently every item had been read by the couple and because of that, I really think we should cut them some slack. Everyone knows that only in rare cases does anyone ever read books borrowed from the library. So give peace a chance a leave the couple alone. They've suffered enough for their crime against literature and civic responsibilities.

To show my support, I went to the local second hand store and stole a book. The security at my local library is way too tight so I had to resort to the local Vinnies. Libraries and thrift stores are basically the same thing aren't they? Since my crime I have been planning the best dinner parties. For instance, today I've been workshopping a New Years Eve dinner party with my stolen literary treasure: The Australian Women's Weekly: The Busy Woman's Cookbook (Food editor: Ellen Sinclair, Golden Press, 1971).

So if you were lucky enough to be invited over for dinner tonight, this is what you can expect:

Entree: Mushrooms a la Greue
Mains: Little Carpetbag Steaks with a Zucchini and Pineapple Salad
Dessert: Cold Grand Mariner Soufflé with Brandied Caramel Pears

Happy New Years and Bon Appetit.

Brief Exchange

Of course you can exchange

Boxing Day brought so much joy for The Artswipe in the shopping stakes. I don't really think my loved ones know me well at all! Otherwise they would have bought me presents I wouldn't have to exchange. Thank The Good Lord Above they kept their receipts. Actually, my mother has taken to wrapping presents in a collage of Christmas receipts. Not only is it saving on paper - and therefore good for the environment - but it saves on the rancid gift economy bullshit of Christmas. Because really, the receipt often looks a whole lot better than the crap purchased at its expense. Once the disappointment of Christmas subsided and the trainwreck of family departed after a long day of eating overcooked turkey, drinking VB shandies and watching repeats of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation, I ended the day soaking in a long hot beauty bath - it's the perfect place to ponder what the Boxing Day sales might bring.

I got up early on Boxing Day. My shopping circuit was thoroughly mapped out over a breakfast medley of leftover roasted meats. The Artswipe's Boxing Day Shopping Cartography: Myer, DJs, JB HiFi and Target with a couple of Gloria Jeans chasers thrown in for good measure. Maybe the gift-shop at the MCA would be a good place to get a new sex toy? Surely they have merchandised a whole range for the Julie Rrap show.

Start at Myer first because the teaming crowd of Dawn of the Dead extras lining up outside hours before opening is perfect material for examining the human condition. The ethnography of shopping is one of the first things on my mind before participating in consumer whoreticulture. Moreover, the crowds clamouring for their Myer mystore TM fix are always peopled with such hot snatch that you can score at least a year's supply of shower nozzle masturbation material.

The salivating throng of crowds lusting for homewares and haberdashery makes Boxing Day my favourite day of the year. But if you're going to make post-Christmas a sexy time, you need good underwear. You know, mix it up a bit at Bras and Things before checking out the stench of cheap cotton maxing out Men's underwear at Target. Maybe even take a chance on a few items left over in the change room, like a tasty little seamless microfibre low rise number or some comfortable odor controlling fabrics from Calvin Klein. Why bother trying them on beforehand as nothing makes for better souvenirs of festive cheer.

The Artswipe
Specials, 2007
Found objects

Road Safety

The Artswipe
The Seatbelt Series, 2007 and ongoing
Mobile phone moments

Life has been roadworthy. Merry Christmas Youse Guys. But before you go, heed to an Artswipe social message moment: Don't drink and drive and certainly think twice before souping up the car.

Best of Best of Best of 2007

The Artswipe
Clit Art, 2007
Courtesy the media

The Artswipe visited so many exhibitions this year, because, well basically it was the year where "drinking problem" became a well-worn phrase... and we all know the booze at art openings sometimes makes up for the art. A lot of great art was seen but basically The Artswipe is more interested in trash and tabloid. Here's a year best of list to end all lists:

1. Nikki Webster's Coming of Age
2. The ABC for a year-long dose of art, mini-golf and 'dicktation'
3. Tara Reid Rentals
4. Ricki Lake's Vagina
5. Renny Kodger's Penis
6. Dead Horses
7. Chrissie Amphlett on Idol - SMS and MS collide
8. The chick from Frente made a comeback
9. Ribena Scandal
10. Edmund Capon Fits in My Coat

The Artswipe
Who's got the Blu-Tak? 2007
Courtesy the Thievery Corporation

Human Sculptures

The Artswipe
Come on Vogue, 2007
Mobile phone moment
Courtesy the artistry

Sorry guys for being one slack asscrack blogger. But there's a reason for my absence. Aside from end of year compulsory alcoholism, I've been away at Brisbane for over a week visiting friends and relatives. While there, I checked out the razzle dazzle of the Andy Warhol show at QAG/GOMA. In fact, I just returned today and have mild jetlag. The most amazing part of my journey was happenstancing on these human sculptures on a main road in the part of Brisbane where they have shops. I think this couple were on their way to the Warhol, I couldn't really tell.

If you know what they are doing, where they are going, or who they might be, let me know via comment or email and I will send you a Christmas present. I promise.

Coming soon at the The Artswipe: what was hot and what was snot in 2007.