Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Buffy, not a Heather

The Artswipe
SwanSong, 2007
Mobile phone snaps

Artswipe watched Law and Order: Criminal Intent last week just because the plot rip-offed the Anna Nicole Smith story. Kristy Swanson was the actress playing the facsimile of Anna Nicole (who in Criminal Intent was a fat white whale named Lorelai Mailer). Kristy was my idol when I was about seventeen-years-old and was the original Buffy, before Sarah Michelle Jessica Parker Posey took over the tiara. Or whoever it was.

It's always pissed me off that the Buffy TV show was so popular. I remember talking to an academic once who wrote a paper on Buffy as a metaphor for pre-Oedipal nipple envy. I'm not sure if I got that right, but it sounds good. But really, Buffy on TV was a bunch of turds, whereas Buffy the movie was a basket of kisses. And it was all because of Kristy. She wasn't quite as talentless as Heather Graham; not quite as "Amanda" as Heather Locklear; but Kristy Swanson was like a "Heather" - the kind of chick who embodied the blow-waved rich-bitch archetype who we all wanted as a "friend or a fuck", to quote from the legendary
Heathers (1989).

Anyway, Kristy Swanson is a method actress to be reckoned with! She put on all this weight and channeled Anna-Nicole in a way that gave me goose-flesh, as the Americans say. I've never been quite the same since. The lingering question since watching Criminal Intent is: Why wasn't Kristy Swanson a bigger star?

Well, as they say in the classics (and on suburban church marquees):
Answers to Life's Big Questions Can't Be Googled.


Anonymous said...

Errm, I think the extra weight is cause she just had a baby... Anyway Buffy rocked. As for the series, whats the sitch? I'm bored! Get out of my facial...

Skanky Jane said...

Arty! I LOVE this post - I LOVE You! (this isn't a reaction to anonymous - but a genuine response) This post rocks! I watched the last Criminal Intent - coz I do that when I want to veg and there's nothing else on ...(plus my fave genre is crime)...anyhoo I saw the ad for the next show and the rip on Anna and thought I have to see it...(but missed out)...(this comment is going nowhere and in a verbose way aint it?)

Anyway this post is a veritable bag of goodies....when I get through the next two days I'm coming back for a good munch...Thank you!

SJ xx
(the voice that comes through in your writing is such a nice one - "nice" is far too an anemic word - but it's the best I can do at this hour!)

Anonymous said...

yes very interesting how law and order (dun dun) [that was a sound effect}] uses these real actual evts that haven't even gone to trial in some cases and dramatize them they even bill them as 'based on a true story'

but that robert goran can investigate me any day as far as i concerned to have him probe my mind would be reason enuf to follow through on my criminal urges i tell you he is sexy as

jade said...

omg wow who would have guessed, i used to think kristy was a babe wow again ah well

Bridie said...

Seems Kristy hasn't forgotten her arse-kicking turn as Buffy. Last month she took law and order into her own hands and is now facing assault charges after a run in with her man's ex wife. Seems the vampiric, child support hungry ex was trying to suck them dry...

Skanky Jane said...

Dear Artswipe,

Thanks for letting me know about the new post at The Artlife Congrats to us!

SJ xx